I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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