my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
How does one acquire holy water?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
