I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
