I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
