I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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