did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
just tell him i said nine months
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
