It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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