A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
