I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
