i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
