...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
