Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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