I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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