When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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