I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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