I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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