it hurts more in the daytime
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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