my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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