It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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