i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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