if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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