My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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