is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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