News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
