HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
