How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
