If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
