i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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