Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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