I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
