The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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