I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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