She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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