you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
