This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
