I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
