he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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