In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
