Your face is a jimmy john
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
