So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
