And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
