I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
