The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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