i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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