You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize