She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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