Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
