Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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