its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
