yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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