So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
