She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
