So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
