Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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