There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
