Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
