I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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