Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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