We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
