The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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